My Life Among Pirates

When my children whisper it makes me nervous. They don’t whisper cute little secrets to each other. If the Tagalongs start to whisper among themselves it means they are plotting. I have been accused, by well meaning people who’ve never seen my children in action, of being dramatic about my children’s behavior. But until you live with them day in and day out you don’t understand how creative and destructive they truly are.

Why pirates? Honestly, its a toss up between them being pirates and being ninjas. If there is something their little hearts truly desire, (i.e. candy, scissors, permanent markers) that I have placed out of their reach they have zero qualms about scaling the cabinet and counters in order to claim their treasure. They are also smart enough to hide their treasure, just not smart enough not to hide it in the same spot every time. Their love of treasure and water is why I chose to call them pirates in the end.

You want to see these pirates truly throw down? Tell them its time to leave the pool before they deem themselves ready to  leave the pool. If they did not look like my little clones, I’m sure I would have been accused of kidnapping by now. They will scream, stomp, threaten, cry, drag their feet and finally threaten mutiny during these unpleasant moments. I usually have to bribe them with food just to make it across the small field to our house.

They demand food with the frequency of little starving monkeys. Of course, once I make them food them deem it inedible and shout about mutiny.

The tagalongs are master thieves. Once a shiny object has caught their eye they will stop at nothing to get it. They keep a careful watch on you and the item, my lipstick for example, until your guard is let down and they find an opportunity to grab it. I never notice it at first. I figure I’ve just hidden the lipstick from myself and I’ll eventually stumble upon it when I go to look for a book or a plunger or something equally as random. Until I start to notice the small signs that the item has been pilfered. In the case of the lipstick, it starts with the smell. All make up has a distinct smell, then I start to notice the stains. On the walls, on the toys, on the carpet, on the kids…. I used to yell but it has never and probably will never stop them.

Duels are also a common thing in my house. I’m sure fights were common among actual pirates and they are a daily occurrence among my pirates. I could referee the fights but honestly I let them duke it out unless they are being obnoxiously loud and then I step in. Trying to referee a fight among these  little hoodlums does no good. It’ll end in mutiny.

How are children able to mutiny?  Let me pose a few scenerios for you.

  1. All three kids meltdown at the same time, all of their wants conflict with another child making it IMPOSSIBLE to make ANYONE happy.
  2. All three kids declare, what use to be their favorite food, completely inedible and refuse to eat dinner, only to meltdown later because they are now STARVING.
  3. They use their ninja  powers for evil – I just can’t explain this one.
  4. All three kids staggering their middle of the night wake up times, so once you get one to sleep the next one wakes up.
  5. When they then precede to REFUSE to wake up the next morning making you late for life.

I’m not saying that I don’t love my little pirates. They are my people. I see myself in them ever single day, which makes it a little hard to truly be upset with them.

Please don’t mistake this post as me complaining. It’s just me explaining. The puzzled looks I get when I call them pirates is why I felt the need to explain myself. If I had perfectly behaved little kids, I don’t think I could relate to them at all, which would be way worse. I AM the captain of these pirates.


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